Essential Notices, Disclaimers & Gentle Warnings for the Modern Golfer
As dictated by Major Angus Auchterlonie (Ret.), Keeper of Order, Guardian of the Tee Sheet, Defender of the Game
On Divots & Ball Marks
All turf damage must be repaired immediately. Failure to comply may result in The Major presenting you with a small lecture titled “The Grass Is Not a Self-Healing Organism”, followed by a practical demonstration.
On Power Carts
The Major acknowledges the cart’s usefulness but maintains it has “the turning radius of a wounded ox.”
Any cart found more than 12 inches off of a cart path may result in mandatory attendance at his famous seminar:
“Cart Paths: Why They Exist, and Why You Must Use Them.”
On Fairway Mats
Henceforth, all players shall employ fairway mats when their ball lies upon any closely-mown area.
This is not a suggestion.
This is not optional.
This is The Major’s decree—designed to spare the fairways the kind of damage usually inflicted by armoured regiments on field exercises.
Those who attempt to “forget” their mat will receive a gentle reminder consisting of The Major appearing behind them, silently, holding a mat aloft like a sacred relic.
On Goats: Walking Around Greens
Golfers are reminded, in the strongest possible terms, the minute they encounter a red stake conspicuously placed in the fairway, to walk around greens and approaches.
Under no circumstances should a player cut across the edge of a green like an underfed mountain goat scrambling for a salt lick.
Goat trails are forbidden.
Offenders will be met with The Major’s steely gaze and a lecture beginning with the phrase:
“The shortest path is not always the noblest, lad.”
On Winter Rules: One Club Length Relief “Through the Green”
During winter conditions, the Committee permits one club length of relief through the green to protect both the course and your fragile golfing psyches.
Please note:
One club length does not mean two, three, or “approximately the distance to where I wish my ball actually landed.”
The Major carries a tape measure.
Do not test him.
On Bunkers: Lift, Rake, and Replace
Should your ball enter a bunker that resembles a lunar crater, you may lift, rake, and replace the ball in the same lie as intended.
This rule is intended to promote fairness, not innovation.
The Major reminds you that “replace” does not mean “upgrade to a more favourable lie,” “relocate to the sunny side,” or “place heroically near the edge to impress one’s playing partners.”
Rake properly.
Leave the bunker looking as though you were never there—The Major certainly wishes you weren’t.
On No-Shows: Fees, Consequences & Public Shame
A “no-show,” The Major reminds you, is not merely a scheduling inconvenience. It is a personal affront to the entire tee sheet, a dereliction of duty, and an act of mild treachery against your fellow golfers.
Accordingly:
- Fees will be applied with the precision and enthusiasm of a regimental quartermaster issuing fines for muddy boots.
- Shame will be heaped upon habitual offenders, not unlike the ceremonial piling of stones upon an unmarked battlefield grave.
- The Major reserves the right to refer to you, in official correspondence, as “That Fellow Who Failed to Appear.”
- Repeat offenders may receive a brief, pointed address beginning with:
“We booked a time for four… yet only three returned from the front.”
In short, if you make a tee time, you are expected to arrive—physically, emotionally, and with the proper number of clubs.
Closing Remarks
Golf is a game of honour, dignity, and occasional emotional turbulence.
Follow these guidelines and The Major guarantees your experience will be pleasurable, efficient, and only mildly terrifying.